The Great Divide: Women vs. Men

There seems to be a great divide between men and women. At least that is what I have noticed based on social media discussions that I’ve seen all over the major platforms. Many women seem to be pointing the finger at Kevin Samuels. If you don’t know who he is, I suggest Googling him and watching some of his videos. He definitely knows how to polarize an audience.

I’ve watched some of his Instagram videos and I agreed with some of his content. His delivery is just terrible in my opinion. However, this is not meant to be a blogpost about Mr. Samuels. This is more about my observations from reading complaints from both men and women. It seems like we all want the same thing but our idea of how to get what we want varies depending on who you speak to and their idea of what a relationship or marriage should look like.

I honestly think that only the individuals involved in the relationship or marriage should be the ones to decide what they want for their relationship/marriage. The opinions of others is irrelevant. That is why I was annoyed when I saw all these women attacking Jada for what she said about her marriage to Will. Ummm if Will does not have an issue with what is being said why does anyone else have the right to judge either of them for what is going on in their marriage. Additionally, they both have said that they call their marriage a partnership rather than a marriage on multiple occasions.

Ok so back to the topic at hand—the great divide between women and men especially in the black community. I see many women complaining about men not wanting to provide anymore and I see many men complaining that women are “too masculine” these days. The ongoing argument I see all over social media is whether or not household bills should be split 50/50 or not.

Let me start by saying, this is something that needs to be discussed between the involved parties. Some women are perfectly fine splitting the bills 50/50, while others are not. Just like some men are fine with a woman keeping her maiden name or hyphenated last name, while other men are not. Some people are more traditional than others and that is everyone’s prerogative.

At the end of the day we all have the same goal— being loved and loving someone else and experiencing true intimacy with one or more others. Yes, yes it is possible for someone to be intimate with multiple people. Intimacy is much deeper than sexual intercourse. The deepest intimacy has little to do with being physical and has everything to do with vulnerability. You can have the most amazing sex with someone and not be vulnerable and that relationship will only go but so far.

But I digress, I think the biggest issue is we have multiple “hurt” and/or “broken” people trying to find love before discovering their love for themselves. Additionally, people are prioritizing “finding love” over “finding themselves”, and that is problematic in the long run. How can you love someone or show someone how to love you if you don’t know how to love yourself. The answer is you can’t.

There is a time to be selfish and there is a time to be selfless. The time to be selfish is when you are on the road to self discovery. When you are trying to figure out who you are outside of your parent(s)/guardian(s). When you are figuring out what spirituality looks like to you. When you are in the process of getting to know who and what you like and dislike.

Start with the man/woman in the mirror. No one should know you better than you know yourself. Then you won’t have to worry about projecting your subconscious feelings about yourself onto someone else. You also won’t be emotionally dependent on another person. There is something very empowering about discovering that you are enough. I repeat You. Are. Enough. Period. It’s one thing for me to tell you that, it’s totally different for you to truly believe it yourself.

As women, many of us were taught to believe that the amount of attention a man gives us is indicative of how much he cares about us and that simply isn’t true. Men tend to be taught to show how much they care for a woman by what they can offer her. So of course when you bring two or more people together with these mindsets there is going to be a misunderstanding if they have not figured out what they actually need in order to love and be loved in a relationship. That is where the knowing one’s self comes into play and makes all the difference in the world when it comes to communicating effectively with one another.

In short, your time to be selfish is when you are single. Your time to be selfless is when you’re in a serious, committed relationship or marriage. The key to any relationship is effective communication. Both parties have to be able and willing to communicate effectively. No one can read anyone’s mind; therefore, effective communication is the key to unlocking the thoughts and feelings of someone else.

To summarize, there is no great divide between men and women. There is just a lack of healthy dialogue between both parties. If everyone took the time to figure out what they actually want and need in order to love and be loved by someone else, it would be easier to come to an agreement and be on the same page. I repeat, it is on the parties involved to decide what they want their relationship or marriage to look like. Every couple should be their own relationship goals and if they are not then they should do whatever they decide is necessary to become their own relationship goals.

Just like no one should compare themselves to anyone else, no couple should compare their relationship or marriage to another couple. Both will lead to certain misery. Every time.